my parent organization

right this second, i feel like throwing my bird through a window. he's sitting in his cage, the door flung wide open, his wings not clipped (i.e. he can go wherever the hell he pleases!), screaming at the top of his lungs. i walk over and offer him a finger (not THE finger), and he rejects it. i sit back down. screaming.
usually it's the cat...
not at all what's on my mind. though related, i suppose. fragments are the sentence. you see how that can be taken a couple of different ways.
so the first tree went up. it's magical. i love it way more than the bird right now.
how do i transition to the topic of freedom? well, there is the bird's cage, i guess. na, no good.
i never really write anymore. it doesn't even bother me. not really. and if i read the right book, it doesn't bother me at all. i still love journals, though. beautiful empty journals with page after page of clean, white potential. it's like half of the breathing the process. well, the first half. stop.
but, to the point, the dreams are driving me crazy. i was writing solomon this morning (emails...i write emails. sometimes.) and thinking about how i don't think i'll ever loose sight of how grateful i am for his presence in my life.
freedom (freedom to think without god giving me the thumbs up, freedom to make decisions, etc) is a privilege i frequently loose in the night. an organization, my parents, or the hybrid that they were in reality commandeers my life in dreams and i struggle to find the thing which, awake, i found some time ago. the tidal wave of relief stymied by hallucinations recurrent. before i escaped the belief box(escaped? exchanged?), i had recurring dreams centered around 16 year old trauma: removal from school, humiliation, suddenly having teary-eyed disappointed affection slathered on me, shit like that.
now, the new EVENT. but the new EVENT heralded good change, not bad change, so why the dreams? huh? how many times do i have to move back in with my parents and sit in the back seat of their car and go to meetings (aka church) and "not pretend" all over again, this time, as an adult? it's exhausting. i guess that's all i have to say about it right now. enough already. are you listening?
i want to put presents under my pagan tree, kill both my pets and stuff them, and let an evening last for eternity.

"Everything that happens will happen today
& nothing has changed, but nothing's the same
and ev'ry tomorrow could be yesterday
& and ev'rything that happens will happen today"
-Byrne/Eno