how you lichen me now?
my search for effective antiperspirant/deodorant having left me a bitter, smelly shell of the spring-fresh woman i used to be, i decide instead to search for fresh new underarms. it seems a far simpler task to purchase replacement armpits than to vanquish mine stinky enemy. in desperation, i recently turned to the sparse terrestrial plumage of the tundra to combat my foe and purchased a lichen-based deodorant at the local hippie-mart. its rare and exotic plant extracts inspired new hope in the pit of my arms. "liken plant: natural deodorant" by earth science (and that's what really sold me: earth science. sounds terribly trusty, doesn't it? i like science. i like the earth. i believe in utilizing the flora of our spectacular planet to subdue odors, unwanted fauna and emotional troubles.) promised to "control odor all day long without aluminum or other harsh chemicals." however, a morning stroll in today's sweltering heat left my new toiletry spent--unable to perform in just under two arms and an hour. i think because i've jumped from one deodorant to the next in my search for an effective product, i've created a strain of super-sweat destined to destroy humanity with its knee-buckling stench. or maybe "liken plant" just wasn't designed to aid sweaters outside of its geo-centric area. like how only local honey helps allergies. perhaps i need rochester lilac-based (gag) deodorant. who sweats in the tundra anyway? maybe i'll just move there. i will move away from my sweat to a land flowing with algae and fungus.
on a similar note, i just read about how people are more likely to clean up their cookie crumbs if there is a faint tang of cleaning liquid in the air. this was part of a study on how strong the grip of the subconcious mind is on our actions. this being the case, i am thoroughly shocked that more of our guests don't just piss in the corner of our apartment after walking past the litter box on their way in the door. i'm pissing right now, just thinking about it. imagine how much i'd be pissing if i wasn't thinking about it....whaddaya have to say about that, scientists? and why can't i be part of an experiment that involves cookies? i bet they have some really gross cookies made of recycled paper or garbage on sale for two hundred dollars at the hippie-market. perhaps a sweet-smelling cookie that works on odor from the inside out... that could be helpful.
on a similar note, i just read about how people are more likely to clean up their cookie crumbs if there is a faint tang of cleaning liquid in the air. this was part of a study on how strong the grip of the subconcious mind is on our actions. this being the case, i am thoroughly shocked that more of our guests don't just piss in the corner of our apartment after walking past the litter box on their way in the door. i'm pissing right now, just thinking about it. imagine how much i'd be pissing if i wasn't thinking about it....whaddaya have to say about that, scientists? and why can't i be part of an experiment that involves cookies? i bet they have some really gross cookies made of recycled paper or garbage on sale for two hundred dollars at the hippie-market. perhaps a sweet-smelling cookie that works on odor from the inside out... that could be helpful.
3 Comments:
I like cats ok, but not enough to ever clean up cat poop. I guess eventually everyone will piss in catboxes when there is no more water.
Like many things, the hippy commercial products (isn't that an oxymoron) don't seem to be all they are cracked up to be.
Living in the desert has shown me that mitchum is the best deodorant out there. I think that's pretty much the sum total of the wisdom I've gotten out of life.
mitchum?
is this some rare and expensive extract of robert mitchum that you speak of?
it sounds like it's for boys only.
i need a deodorant that strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.
It's unscented. Comes in a black rollon.
I don't think Robert Mitchum is quite cool enough for his essense to fight perspiration, but I guess it's subjective.
I prefer mitchum because it seems the most likely to make me die of cancer asap, but some crazy people avoid it for the same reason I love it so.
Post a Comment
<< Home