how you lichen me now?

my search for effective antiperspirant/deodorant having left me a bitter, smelly shell of the spring-fresh woman i used to be, i decide instead to search for fresh new underarms. it seems a far simpler task to purchase replacement armpits than to vanquish mine stinky enemy. in desperation, i recently turned to the sparse terrestrial plumage of the tundra to combat my foe and purchased a lichen-based deodorant at the local hippie-mart. its rare and exotic plant extracts inspired new hope in the pit of my arms. "liken plant: natural deodorant" by earth science (and that's what really sold me: earth science. sounds terribly trusty, doesn't it? i like science. i like the earth. i believe in utilizing the flora of our spectacular planet to subdue odors, unwanted fauna and emotional troubles.) promised to "control odor all day long without aluminum or other harsh chemicals." however, a morning stroll in today's sweltering heat left my new toiletry spent--unable to perform in just under two arms and an hour. i think because i've jumped from one deodorant to the next in my search for an effective product, i've created a strain of super-sweat destined to destroy humanity with its knee-buckling stench. or maybe "liken plant" just wasn't designed to aid sweaters outside of its geo-centric area. like how only local honey helps allergies. perhaps i need rochester lilac-based (gag) deodorant. who sweats in the tundra anyway? maybe i'll just move there. i will move away from my sweat to a land flowing with algae and fungus.

on a similar note, i just read about how people are more likely to clean up their cookie crumbs if there is a faint tang of cleaning liquid in the air. this was part of a study on how strong the grip of the subconcious mind is on our actions. this being the case, i am thoroughly shocked that more of our guests don't just piss in the corner of our apartment after walking past the litter box on their way in the door. i'm pissing right now, just thinking about it. imagine how much i'd be pissing if i wasn't thinking about it....whaddaya have to say about that, scientists? and why can't i be part of an experiment that involves cookies? i bet they have some really gross cookies made of recycled paper or garbage on sale for two hundred dollars at the hippie-market. perhaps a sweet-smelling cookie that works on odor from the inside out... that could be helpful.