flowery lamentations
there is no shortage of beautiful walkways, dusky breezes flirting about, and endless rays of warming sunshine that stretch out in a display of luminescent geometry. birds were chirping and expensive houses were sitting pretty. i was trying to cross the street, reading the dhammapada, and all these arrogant pricks were zooming in and out of their driveways as if their life, or at the very least, their happiness, depended on keeping me from crossing the street and walking home for lunch. streams of disgusting, negative filth gushed out of my mouth, violently spewing into the spring air. i came home and cried. why can't i be nice??? anger and shame are served on the rocks of my soul. i'll stand you up to a drink sometime. or knock you down to one. i'll never be mindful. the buddha said:
mindfulness is the path to immortality.
negligence is the path to death.
the vigilant never die,
whereas the negligent are the living dead.
i feel ghostly. i want to command the rolling chariot of my body and not just hold the reins.
phil collins once said:
Oooohhhh, you know i wish it would rain, rain Doooowwwwnnn on me now.
hee hee.
at least my self-hatred quickly turns flippant dismissal.
as drivin and cryin' once said:
i'm goin' straight to hell
just like my momma sa-a-aid.
i'm goin' straaaight to hell.
had they been buddhist, they would have specified "cold" or "hot"
mindfulness is the path to immortality.
negligence is the path to death.
the vigilant never die,
whereas the negligent are the living dead.
i feel ghostly. i want to command the rolling chariot of my body and not just hold the reins.
phil collins once said:
Oooohhhh, you know i wish it would rain, rain Doooowwwwnnn on me now.
hee hee.
at least my self-hatred quickly turns flippant dismissal.
as drivin and cryin' once said:
i'm goin' straight to hell
just like my momma sa-a-aid.
i'm goin' straaaight to hell.
had they been buddhist, they would have specified "cold" or "hot"
posted by la fille du fromage at 10:08 AM
5 Comments:
"i came home and cried. why can't i be nice???"
Well, the tin man wouldn't have cared about having a heart if he didn't already....
Mister Underhill,
It took me a lot more words than that the last time I said that same thing. Very good.
Fille,
We have to face things before they will go away. I think.
Every action is fueled by something, I suppose.
Mr. U has indeed said it well.
So, from what I gather, the general concensus is that mister underhill is a genius.
Right-O! Bottoms up. Here's lookin' at you, kid.
And that I'm not TOO horrible. Unless, of course, I wrote that whole blog hoping people would write nice things to try to make me feel better. Once you start down the path of second guessing every single thought and action you have/do, you practically can't do anything without self-hatred, or, at the very least, self-doubt. "the heart is treacherous. who can know it?" who said that? jeremiah? once you start wondering about the true condition of your heart, or figurative heart, where does it all end? self examination is encouraged, but it opens a huge can of worms. how can i really know anything about myself? i just get in these moods. i know all this babble is ridiculous and that ultimately, i like me okay. (i do not, however, like this aspect of my personality. this one. right here, that is writing all this crap.)(so, why don't i not do it, yeah?) but, for some reason, my mind still runs in these ridiculous circles occasionally. i need to meditate more. chew the cud. and stop being so damn self-centered.
Well, contrary to popular belief, I didn't write the wizard of oz...but I like to think I would have.
Some self doubt is normal. We'll never know for sure what mistakes we made til we are burning in hell quietly in some snug corner of the ironic punishments division. If hell existed, anyhow. Norma keeps telling me this is hell, but I have no such optimism and know it can be much worse.
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