Daddy ate crepes, Mama ate dinner
...and there was no little brother to join right in.
So last night I felt ashamed of myself once again. Curt made an excellent dinner. We had merlot and this tasty pasta and mushroom dish. Dan called and then came over to join us. Wine always seems to make me weepy and ridiculous. I didn't even have that much to drink. I suppose I should just steer clear of it since I have rather been in a state of late anyway. But we started talking about religion and apathy. I know I have been in an apathetic state religiously and that this is a ploy that we are warned to avoid falling victim to. How do I balance this feeling (noone wants to be duped) with the fatigue that I feel from worrying about every little thing I've ever done wrong and whether they are matters of life and death? I seem determined to think that it is impossible to wipe the slate clean. That obviously shows a lack of faith. So tired of having all of these worries running around in my head. It makes me want to be apathetic. I wonder if my apathy is actually forced then. And is forced apathy actually apathy? Seems like it couldn't be. Curt says that everything is so black and white with me and that's probably why I get tired and want to give up. But, as Dan accurately pointed out, he feels apathetic sometimes and just has to tell himself that regrettably, these simply are not days to allow it. My question, one of them, is: Is just going through the motions when I feel apathetic the right thing to do or does it just make God disgusted with me?
Well, I feel like some progress is being made. I have at least started talking about things and I do feel like I finally want to be happy. I do actually want life to be good rather than just constantly seeking a way out of it or an impossible way to change it. That is progress.
Now if I can find a way to make a seamless, headache-free transition from coffee to tea, I'll be in good shape. I used to hate coffee. The folly of youth, indeed! The Red Tea can clearly stated that if I drank red tea I would live a healthier, longer life. It backed this up with talk of flavinoids and free radicals and the like. You just can't argue with stuff like that. Clear direction. That's what I crave. I am ready to forego my status as a free moral agent and become a painfree android. Androids can be very noble. And they certainly never make embarassing, honest dinner-table talk spawned of wine and self-absorption. Is there a past tense to spawn? Somebody let me know. I'm too apathetic to look it up.
So last night I felt ashamed of myself once again. Curt made an excellent dinner. We had merlot and this tasty pasta and mushroom dish. Dan called and then came over to join us. Wine always seems to make me weepy and ridiculous. I didn't even have that much to drink. I suppose I should just steer clear of it since I have rather been in a state of late anyway. But we started talking about religion and apathy. I know I have been in an apathetic state religiously and that this is a ploy that we are warned to avoid falling victim to. How do I balance this feeling (noone wants to be duped) with the fatigue that I feel from worrying about every little thing I've ever done wrong and whether they are matters of life and death? I seem determined to think that it is impossible to wipe the slate clean. That obviously shows a lack of faith. So tired of having all of these worries running around in my head. It makes me want to be apathetic. I wonder if my apathy is actually forced then. And is forced apathy actually apathy? Seems like it couldn't be. Curt says that everything is so black and white with me and that's probably why I get tired and want to give up. But, as Dan accurately pointed out, he feels apathetic sometimes and just has to tell himself that regrettably, these simply are not days to allow it. My question, one of them, is: Is just going through the motions when I feel apathetic the right thing to do or does it just make God disgusted with me?
Well, I feel like some progress is being made. I have at least started talking about things and I do feel like I finally want to be happy. I do actually want life to be good rather than just constantly seeking a way out of it or an impossible way to change it. That is progress.
Now if I can find a way to make a seamless, headache-free transition from coffee to tea, I'll be in good shape. I used to hate coffee. The folly of youth, indeed! The Red Tea can clearly stated that if I drank red tea I would live a healthier, longer life. It backed this up with talk of flavinoids and free radicals and the like. You just can't argue with stuff like that. Clear direction. That's what I crave. I am ready to forego my status as a free moral agent and become a painfree android. Androids can be very noble. And they certainly never make embarassing, honest dinner-table talk spawned of wine and self-absorption. Is there a past tense to spawn? Somebody let me know. I'm too apathetic to look it up.
posted by la fille du fromage at 1:25 PM
4 Comments:
"Is just going through the motions when I feel apathetic the right thing to do or does it just make God disgusted with me?"
Could a parent be disgusted with his child? ... but I know what you mean. You are not alone. The heart isn't always in it, eh? The fact that you are wrestling with it says a lot. I think everyone (breathing) deals with this if they try to seek God. Those who don't care ... well, they just don't care.
It is possible to act without motivation, for the right reasons, and have it be a good thing. It's not the same as pretending to believe something you know you don't believe.
I appreciate your honesty.
http://www.soulhorizon.com/board/viewtopic.php?t=6607
Is just going through the motions when I feel apathetic the right thing to do or does it just make God disgusted with me?
Reminds me of something I wrote about marriage. I've been married for 15 years. I get up at 4:30 AM every morning (work days) my wife gets up around 6:30 AM. Every morning before I leave for work I set up the coffee pot so that all she has to do is turn it on when she wakes up. I know that it sounds dumb, but she has never asked me to do this and she really appreciates it. I've been doing this for 15 years and it would have been very easy at many points in our relationship for me to stop doing this monotonous, insignificant action but each time I set up the coffee pot I think about how much I love and appreciate my wife and each time she takes a sip of coffee she thinks about how much I love her.
I think it is similar with God. There are always a lot of reasons to step away from the small, repetitive nonsense of religion but there-in lies a wealth of both comfort and passion. God is not repulsed if you go through the motions... he's overjoyed.
Les Mouches - Sartre
i tried to reply to the anonymous post. not sure if that works.
just in case...
okay, i'll read it. i do like satre, but i've never read that particular one. i know a bit about it and definitely see eye to eye, i just struggle with vacillation.
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