My Butthole FInally Exploded
I've always known this was going to happen sometime. And as time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin' into the future, my intestines keep slippin', slippin', slippin' right on out my butthole. My poor butthole.
There are several things that run through your head while you are losing your reverse anal virginity. The asshole may not have a hyman that breaks if something large enters it, but it sure as hell has plenty of blood and swollen tissue just dying to see the light of day if you have consistantly giant turds, which I do.
My mom always had bathroom trouble, but that was mainly because she screwed up her digestive sysytem with anorexic antics when I was a child. My dad is fairly regular. I'm not sure what went wrong with me. My recently acquired therapist says that anorexia is basically an addiction and he feels that my life has been very effected by addiction. Maybe I became addicted to not pooping until I form large mossy rocks in my bowels. I have Greco-Roman bowels. I'm shitting corinthian architecture.
So, a pertinant question at this point is what to do about it, right?
I've thought of several things. I have really relaxed on my vegetarian stance lately and that could be causing adverse effects. I have considered upping my fiber intake and applying soothing creams or oinments. I have considered moving into a Sitz Bathe for a year or two.
But I finally decided that I must just be remiss in my communication with Saint Anustine, the patron saint of buttholes. To remedy this, I am repeating a latin prayer to her on the occurance of each bowel movement.
"In nomine anus, et spiritus rectum..."
There are several things that run through your head while you are losing your reverse anal virginity. The asshole may not have a hyman that breaks if something large enters it, but it sure as hell has plenty of blood and swollen tissue just dying to see the light of day if you have consistantly giant turds, which I do.
My mom always had bathroom trouble, but that was mainly because she screwed up her digestive sysytem with anorexic antics when I was a child. My dad is fairly regular. I'm not sure what went wrong with me. My recently acquired therapist says that anorexia is basically an addiction and he feels that my life has been very effected by addiction. Maybe I became addicted to not pooping until I form large mossy rocks in my bowels. I have Greco-Roman bowels. I'm shitting corinthian architecture.
So, a pertinant question at this point is what to do about it, right?
I've thought of several things. I have really relaxed on my vegetarian stance lately and that could be causing adverse effects. I have considered upping my fiber intake and applying soothing creams or oinments. I have considered moving into a Sitz Bathe for a year or two.
But I finally decided that I must just be remiss in my communication with Saint Anustine, the patron saint of buttholes. To remedy this, I am repeating a latin prayer to her on the occurance of each bowel movement.
"In nomine anus, et spiritus rectum..."
posted by la fille du fromage at 1:34 PM
5 Comments:
My, how...vivid.
Umm ... don't know what to say about that.
Well, if nothing else, this should bring to you an exciting new readership via google.
OMG - this is one of the funniest posts from a stranger that I've read in a long time, not that I like to laugh at other people's misery regularly. I'm glad I wasn't drinking anything when I got to your Greco-Roman shits comment or I'da spewed all over my laptop (and I mean computer).
Y'know, if you're serious about getting better, you might consider getting checked for IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). It definitely sounds like what you're experiencing.
Thanks for sharing on this, uh, deep topic.
-Zebraman
Just take some of that opium based medicine. That'll plug you up for a while. It tastes really bad though.
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